That kind of love.

We all long for that kind of love.

The kind of love where he looks at me like he sees someone different from the person I see in the mirror every morning.

You know, the person with the nose that is slightly too wide, with one eye permanently smaller than the other because of a stye when she was 9, with marks on her cheeks which are too deep for her liking, caused by years of physically battling with acne. The person with jawbones that are too masculine, teeth that are too far apart. Who can never seem to be the ideal weight. Yeah, that person. I'm sure you know her too.

I want that kind of love that when he looks at me from across the room for just a second longer after I catch him, I wonder what he sees that I don't. Then when he looks deep into my eyes and tells me that I am beautiful, I would find it hard to believe him, because surely he can see the scars within by now. Or when he says that he loves me, I would struggle to understand how he found that part of me which I had lost for so long, within minutes.

I want that kind of love that is imperfectly perfect.

I want to bake cakes, muffins, pies, which would taste horrible (at first), but which he would gobble down any day, and still say proudly to everyone who would listen, that I made them. And that I am his. I want to get stressed in the kitchen and get mad at him for not helping, then for him to walk in calmly because he knew that I would get stressed up the moment I sent out those dinner invitations, and to gently hold me and plant a kiss on my forehead. I want to sit across from him at the table and secretly glance at him while someone tells a story, and ask God for the millionth time if I was dreaming.

I want the kind of love where he massages my swollen feet, and buys me the most ridiculous things to satisfy the cravings that I get. And to see the same love in his eyes as I waddle about. The same love, but more. His days at work would feel really long, to the three of us. The nights would be filled with excitement, and nervousness, and about 20 trips to the bathroom. And he would be there, worry written across his face as he sees the pain within me and somehow wishes that he could take it away even for just a moment. But his hand holding me and his silent prayer is enough; we would realize with a bit of surprise that the bundle of joy that we've heard so many friends tell us about truly is a bundle of joy, but also so much more! It's a bundle of Love, joy, and peace.

That when that little bundle becomes somewhat a bouncing ball of angst, we will still be praying together for wisdom, and everything that we need to stay sane.

I want to know his scent so well that when we accidentally swap pillows, I would fall asleep smiling. Yet neither of us would ask to swap back. I want to one day walk into the living room whilst in the midst of doing the laundry, and for him to ask me to come sit down next to him for a moment - "I wrote you a melody". And while he plays, "If you were a melody, this is what you would sound like." He used only the good notes. That's how I know. I know he still always only sees the good in me.

She has replayed it all in her mind almost a hundred times now. 

Some scenes come back vividly, others not so. 

She holds on to whatever she can - the way their hands brushed, their shoulders met, the way she caught him staring at her while she prayed, the way they quietly, secretly held each other's gaze. 

I've replayed it all many many times. 

And each time, I am surprised again at how much I love you. 

What marriage is, and what it is meant to reflect.

Reads

I think many of us ladies have grown accustomed to being independent and strong, but I certainly can't deny that I do wish that someone would do these things for me at times.

So...the weekend away was GREAT, as expected. Everyone was so united, and we really enjoyed His presence throughout the retreat. The worship sessions were so amazing that I felt myself thanking God over and over for His mercies in bringing such a diverse group of people together with one purpose : to worship His holy name. When we worship with such intensity, not only is His name lifted high, but we are also opening our lives to Him to use us to reach out to others. I am so amazed at how much He has done in Bread of Life in the short amount of time since I joined the church. And I truly believe that He is going to do much more this year, and our group of young adults will be stronger than ever before, standing up for His glory and purposes.

On the second night there, as I went out in the dark to throw out the rubbish, I looked up at the sky and saw stars - more than I have ever seen before. It was so, so beautiful. I couldn't stop looking! I really love looking at the stars, and I really love laying down next to someone I love and admiring the beauty of His works.

I went back inside and got a few of the others(Sarah, Rachel, Jason, DanFan) to join me star-gazing, and Sarah pointed out some star groups so we knew a bit more of what we were looking at. The sweetest part of the whole night for me was when we started story-telling, each of us adding a few words to the story, which ended up being about a pig with wings, who couldn't fly because he was overweight. SHO CUTE. And we also played the laughing game, which was so funny!

Back to work today, but I haven't done very much today because there isn't much to do.

Australia Day weekend

This week has gone by so quickly. The weather has been very pleasant all week, and the nights have been filled with spending time with family, and especially little darling Mia. She definitely recognizes me now, and gives me a heart-melting smile when she sees me. I'll really miss her while I'm away.

The Magnify group (our group of youth and young adults) will be heading down to Tootgarook, which is between Rosebud and Rye, after work today. It's going to be my second retreat with the Bread of Life group, and I'm really looking forward to it.

I still remember the last retreat at Phillip Island, where I kept feeling like I couldn't focus, and the more frustrated I got, the less I focused. It turned out that months later when I looked back, that time I spent with God at the retreat was where everything else started. I remember having quiet periods of time when we were meant to just sit and listen, but I was actually having conversations with Him; not just pouring out my frustrations anymore, but really asking Him to show me His will for my life, and honestly telling Him that I might not hear very well, so please speak to me clearly. And that whatever it is He has in plan for me, I will try my very very best to honor His will. I told Him that there will be times when I would be afraid, but I asked Him for courage. I told Him that sometimes I would be weak and tempted to give up, but I asked Him for strength and abundance of faith.

That retreat was where I decided to do my TESOL course, and I had no idea what the next step would be after that. It was also where I learned to speak to Him and to really really seek His heart. And that was the most precious lesson of all. I might not have learned very much in terms of biblical history during the retreat, but I learned how to look for His promises found in His word and to trust them.

How much has changed since then. Only about 7 months ago. My life has changed, my approach to Him has changed, I see things more clearly, I learned to be wiser based on His holiness, and I learned that some situations just require complete surrender.

I'm really looking forward to what He has in store for me this long weekend.

The connection between a mother and child is such a beautiful thing.

My little niece is back from Japan, and oh how she has grown! She's such a bundle of joy. She has always, understandably, been close to her mother. And even now, she would only allow anyone else to hold her if her mother was within her sight.

Just last night, we were all sitting around her on the floor chatting, and she was so happy to play and giggle because she knew her mother was just behind her. The moment Sayo stood up quietly to go to her room to get something, Mia immediately sensed it, and turned around. Seeing her mother had left, you could just read her sadness on her face; before she started sobbing.

I'm sure she will allow her mother to leave her side for some time as she grows up, but the bond between a mother and a child is so strong, and so natural.

It is terribly sad when children lose their mothers at a young age. It is even worse when they are rejected by their mothers, or abandoned, when the only people they trust at that age are their mothers.

That is why I love being with children who have had to go through such situations. When they hug me, I can sense how much they need someone to love them, to protect them. And just for a moment, I am able to be that person for them.

I fall in love with people's hearts.
I love people who are kind. Those who do stuff for others without hesitating. Who go out of their way to help others. Who sacrifice their time for some who might not even realise just how much they are sacrificing, or even show any appreciation. Those who love deeply, to the point where they could get hurt easily.
Whenever I find someone like that, I just love them. Not necessarily in a romantic way, but I just love them and hope that they meet people in their lives who would appreciate them for the wonderful people whom they are. I would want to protect them from those who would hurt them, because I know people can be mean. Mostly I don't want them to get hurt because I know that they would put up their fences to protect their hearts once they have been hurt. But the most beautiful part of them is their soft, gentle and kind hearts - loving others without withholding anything.

The past weekend has been so magical!! I was so busy Friday and Saturday. 

The cupcakes

The initial plan was to relax on Friday night after work, but I somehow felt I should start the baking process. And am I glad I did! I thought I would be alright making all the cupcake dough in one batch, but it almost ended up being a disaster! Also, I was using new baking cups which Rachel (the beautiful bride) gave me, and I didn't know how long to bake them for. Anyway, I managed it in the end, and I did proper icing decoration for the first time on Saturday morning! 

I'm so so glad that Rachel approached me to make some cupcakes, and even though I didn't end up making very many, I enjoyed every minute of the process. I realized that consistent with my character, I often focused more on making/baking stuff which tasted good, more than on the appearance of it. Knowing that these cupcakes were for a wedding gave me that extra push to learn how to decorate, and also to actually taste and alter the recipes the way I like them. There's just something about the calm and focused process of decorating that felt really really good. And of course, looking at the final product, feels oh so good. 

Baking with music to sing along to - the best!

Does anyone else feel really happy looking at butter and eggs?

My favourite Babushka apron

Makeup, Hair & Dress

After the cupcakes were decorated, it was then my turn to be made up. Hair and makeup were done by looking at tutorials online. I have much to improve on, but again, I enjoyed the whole process of trying something new. I believe this year will be filled with many more new experiences, so I'd better enjoy it!

The wedding. 

Oh the wedding. Oh my. I was quite excited about the long drive to the venue alone - I've always loved long drives alone. And the journey was so enjoyable. I'd never been down that direction before, and I couldn't believe how scenic it was! I wished I could stop the car to snap some pictures but there wasn't anywhere to stop by the side of the road. It was so relaxing to wind down the windows, blast the music, and just sing along while driving. 

Unfortunately I didn't take many pictures during the ceremony, as the lovely couple requested us to be in the moment, instead of getting busy snapping away. And boy was I in the moment. I could hardly hold back my tears when Rachel said her vows. I don't think I've ever heard such heartfelt vows. The part where she said "I promise I will never leave this marriage. There might be times when I would want to, but I promise I never will.". 

A bit of a back story. My parents got divorced when I was 7. Even before the papers were signed, the family never really felt complete. And I think because of that, one of my main aims in life is to have a loving family of my own. I promised myself that I would rather be single than to marry someone who isn't right for me, because I knew I would never ever leave the marriage. And I want someone who would be happy to say the same. 

So Rachel, if you are reading this, thank you for reminding me what marriage is about. A true reflection of Christ and the church, where He never leaves us, no matter how we rebel against Him at times. 

Cosy Friday

Listening to this playlist while working, from one of my favourite movies of all time, The Holiday. I'm feeling cosy today, as it's the first cool day in Melbourne after 2 weeks of HOT weather.
By the way, I adore my new seating in the office, where I have my own tiny corner, to focus and do my stuff. Or some other things at times, haha.

Only 5 hours to the weekend, and tonight I can relax, before a whole day of baking and icing tomorrow, for Rachel & Jason's wedding!! I'm so excited, and I know it's going to be beautiful, especially because it'll be outdoors. Pictures to come!

For more pictures from my favourite scenes in the movie: here.

Get it, and watch it. I hope you'll love it as much as I do :)

Valid.

Most of my friends didn't believe me when I told them that I'm a shy person, and understandably, because I relax around people/places/culture I am familiar with. However, since moving to Australia, I found myself wrestling between who I really am, and fitting in to the culture here. The people here are amazing and very nice generally, but all cultures are different. I thought it might not be a problem anymore, having lived in various countries and learning the local culture. But something I learned in my TESOL course is that every culture is different, and we all still need to learn to adapt again, each and every time we go some place new.

I want to be myself, speak out and voice my opinions. Without being afraid of people labeling me as 'different'. Just as I was struggling last night, I prayed and started reading my Bible plan before going to bed. The verses I read were just simply as if God was in the room sitting next to  me and talking to me, comforting me. Which He probably was. :)

Then this morning, I saw this article.

"Self-approval comes out of self-acceptance, which rises out of the recognition that we are, in fact, enough, just as we are. With that recognition, we can free ourselves from fear; we no longer need to look outside for a validation that, on the inside is self-evident."

I want to stop looking outside for validation. Because I accept myself.

The danger of the single path.

I've always loved exploring, using different paths to get somewhere if I have the time, and often when I get lost, I like to think of it as exploring instead of losing my patience. 

There is now a research project going on in Cambridge University which I would love to be a part of!

What he says is so true, we need to get out of the mindset of 'efficiency', and sometimes just enjoy a walk through a park. 

"If you think that adventure is dangerous, you should try routine - it's deadly."

A day full of surprises

After writing the last blog post 2 days ago, I prayed about something, asking God to please take away the feeling of hopelessness that I was feeling in regards to a certain situation. It was about something that He recently showed me will happen, but the circumstances now seem bleak and I was losing hope quickly. I said to Him, "I know You promised me it would happen, but I don't know if I want it anymore..it's too painful to hope and wait. Please take it away if it isn't meant to be!" I then went to sleep, still crying. When I woke up the next morning, I checked my phone, and there it was. The answer to my prayer. Which I had waited for months for. He answered my prayer 12 minutes after I prayed it, in the middle of the night. No words are enough to describe how powerful and kind He is...to speak to me so clearly.

About today, it started with a colleague walking past my desk at lunch time while I was reading. He asked me what book was I reading, and I was a little uncertain whether to show him, because it was about a missionary in China. He quickly went to his desk and came back to show me the book he was reading, which was about Israel. He told me some very interesting things about Israel(I must go one day!) and I then showed him my book.

I also told him about my hopes to go to Nepal in August, which I wasn't sure whether it was right to share about. Surprisingly, he was so interested and asked me many questions which I know I will be answering many times over once I announce my plans to more people. What started off with me being so afraid of someone else's view of me, turned out to be a truly encouraging discussion about God's work in the world.

After work, I then went looking for something which I knew was going to be a bit difficult to find. I found one, which was reduced from $60 to $35. It was still more than I was willing to pay,considering the fact that I found one online for less than $10. After looking almost everywhere and almost caving in to get the $35 one, I suddenly thought of going to a certain shop which has bits and bobs of everything. After searching high and low and almost walking out, out of the corner of my eye, on the lowest shelf, I found what I wanted. For $2.95! I very nearly did a happy dance right there!

Then, I walked past a shop and saw a lip scrub that I needed, which comes in 3 flavors. I decided on the one I liked most, but there wasn't any left. Normally I would've just walked off, but I somehow decided to open my 'golden mouth' and ask the sales assistant, who seemed to be very busy, whether they had anymore stock at the back. She said "Oh there are some right at the front of the shop" and I was so glad that I asked. Then she said "By the way, they're 50% off". Which was why they were  put separately from the other 2 flavors which were full price! Again, WIN!

I then came home, and after dinner I decided I'll try making salted caramel icing again. I've tried twice in the past and both times it turned out way too sweet and too runny. And guess what, it turned out PERFECT! I am always very critical of whatever I cook or bake, but this time I liked it so much, and it was a huge relief because I am making 48 salted caramel cupcakes for my friends' wedding this weekend and I really wanted them to taste good for the guests who will be there!

Then, because I had extra cream, I decided to make creme brulee. I found an egg which looked much longer than the usual shape of eggs, and took a picture. When I cracked it open, there were 2 egg yolks in it, one at each end of the shell, because the egg was so long!

Some of these were just small surprises, but I love surprises, big or small..and I appreciate every little good thing that happens. It reminds me that I am loved.

Some nights

Some nights it's hard to fall asleep.
The quiet questions ring too loudly in the still night.
I thought I left them at Your feet, but it seems I pick them right back up when I awake.
And the only way to silent them
Is by crying out to You again,
The only way is to let the tears fall,
And You the only one who sees them.

Wait.

2014 was such a great year for me. I grew so so so much as a Christian, and all the things I learned have transformed my entire life. We are called to be Christ-like, and I always felt it was much easier said than done, which it is, but when we pray with sincere hearts for God to guide us to be more Christ-like, there will never be a reason for Him not to.

I know, 2015 is going to be even more exciting. It's not just me hoping it; I know it. I'm excited, I'm very very excited!

There are some things which I really want God to guide me in:

1) To see myself the way He sees me. This year He revealed to me that I had deep scars within me which caused me to feel unworthy of love - sometimes even unworthy of my own love. And this in effect caused me and is still causing me to always be afraid of being judged by others. I don't always speak or act the way I really am.

2) For patience in waiting for His provision. Many, many, many people have been telling me that they have been praying for me. Even those who do not know Christ have been wishing me luck. Most of the time, I'm alright. I believe His promises to provide. But sometimes, especially during festive seasons, it's difficult. It is so difficult being alone. And I always thank the people who have been praying for me, then just laugh it off. But I want to tell them that "I really can't wait to meet him too!!". I might look cool calm collected but when I get home, I cry and I wonder and I pray for patience.

I'm glad that my final night of 2014 was spent with my church friends, honoring Him and singing praises to Him. There is nothing else I would rather have done than that.