Much Love Monday : Yummy felt cake!

I made this for mom the first week I got back from Bali while waiting for replies from job applications.

I couldn't get a very good picture of it using my phone..but the cream part in this picture is actually bright yellow and it looks really bright and cheerful..

When I was young, I loved drawing pictures and cards for mom.

I'm sure lots of you did that as well when you were young. =)

But unfortunately as we grow up, we kind of forget how much more meaningful these are to our parents rather than expensive gifts.

Mom is moving to Melbourne in a few months' time...I hope she'll place this next to her bed when she's there and think of me every night before she goes to sleep. 

Eat, Pray, Love..

It's the 1st of October, can you imagine? I really can't believe how quickly time is passing by. It seems like the weeks are flying past, even though I'm pretty much just sitting at home everyday, which usually feels like time is dragging on. But I'm enjoying myself. I'm enjoying this time I have to sort out my thoughts after a huge change in my life. And I'm enjoying being on my own.

I watched the movie Eat, Pray, Love today. I've been looking forward to the movie for quite some time, after I read the book. And it didn't disappoint. Of course, like all movies based on novels, a lot of what was written in the book had to be condensed. But I felt that they kept the essence of what the writer was essentially trying to tell us.

I don't know about other people, but everytime I watch a movie or read a novel, I always find myself trying to see a bit of myself in the actress or main character. Sometimes I don't see myself at all, and sometimes its a bit more. But in Eat, Pray, Love ... I felt like they were telling my story.

Many people who read the book were in some ways affected by it. They learned to take a step closer to what they want in life. But I only knew about the book after those events took place in my life. And during some scenes in the movie, I wanted to cry so badly because it was just too similar to what I went through.

I've met a few people recently who have affected me more than they would ever know. And one of the most important things that they taught me, was that sometimes, we have to be selfish. There is a point in our lives where we need to consciously make the decision to stop following what other people tell you that you SHOULD do, and just do what you want to do. And sometimes that involves being very selfish and hurting other people.

After it all, just like Elizabeth Gilbert, I still very often think of the past. But, just like her, it wasn't because I still love him. Its because I still hope that one day..he might be able to forgive me for being so selfish. Though I wouldn't go back even if you gave me a hundred chances to turn back time. I would still take this path each time.

I loved the last few sentences Julia Roberts said towards the ending.

I recently came out of a long relationship, and one thing that really hit me was that I didn't cry very much over it. In fact I cried much more in past relationship which had so much less depth and were much shorter..some weren't even relationships! And I only just realised and fully understood why while I was out for a run. I can finally justify to myself, which is so much more important than justifying to others, that I'm not a total cold-blooded person. That it wasn't wrong for me not to break down because of the end of a really long and meaningful relationship.

Not many people knew about the end of this relationship, and some did not even know about it. And after a whole month, I started telling friends and family. Many of them were shocked and all they wanted to know was why. Why did it end? For some of them, I tried to explain in detail..but for some I didn't have the strength to. Because I was still afraid of being judged by them. It is so sad, but in our world today, the moment you tell someone that you broke up, they jump to the conclusion that there is a third party involved. Especially if you're not crying your eyes out while you relate your part of the story to them. So when asked why, I sometimes decided to keep my silence until I figured out myself why I was not so sad about it.

And half an hour ago, I fully understood why. It is because I have grown up so much since before the start of this relationship until now. I still remember clearly the last time I had my heart broken, I was swearing to my brother that if I don't find a good guy, I won't get into a relationship. I won't even get married when the time comes if I don't find a suitable guy. And I managed to keep that promise to myself. I didn't get into a relationship until I found that good guy. He was so good to me, more than any other guy has ever been. We were together for 2 years and 9 months, and even until the end, on (almost) every 21st of the month, we would wish each other Happy Anniversary. And I do realise that I might not ever in my whole life be able to find another guy who would treat me as good as he did.

So why didn't I cry? Because I did manage to find a good guy, but in the process also learned that a good guy does not necessarily mean Happily Ever After. There are so many other factors, like personality, religion, mindset, family issues. These are all ingredients that you need to have a healthy loving relationship. Like I said, I realise that I might not find a guy who is as good to me as he was. But I might be able to find one who is more compatible with me in terms of personality, religion, mindset and everything else.

Before I decided to end the relationship, I was afraid that I would be making the biggest mistake of my life. I tried to tell myself to compromise. Everywhere, and almost every single day, we hear this phrase: No one is perfect. And I know no one is perfect! That wasn't what I was expecting of him. And I am not expecting any guy who I like to be perfect. But the most important is that all the imperfections in that person and myself  would add up to a perfect relationship. And I knew that the imperfections in this guy and me, don't add up to that. Some people would say, compromise. But I'm young, and he's young. I still have a chance to find someone who would suit me more, and the same for him. If I'm feeling things like this now in our relationship, what would it be like if we really did end up together in marriage? I just know that it won't work out.

So that is why I'm not crying everyday. I still miss him every now and then when I allow myself to dwell upon the past. When I go anywhere, the memories of us there together haunt me until sometimes I just want to go home. So many things remind me of him. And there are things which I just can't allow myself to think of yet for fear of crying. But at the end of each day, I get stronger. I understand myself more, and why I did what I did. I don't regret my decision, even if it hurts.

To you: I know no matter how many times I apologise, you might not be able to fully forgive me. But I thank you for every single thing that you have done for me. I never forgot them, and I might not ever forget them. All I hope for you from the bottom of my heart is that you have a successful future and that you will find a girl who treats you better than I did and who is more suitable for you. She will be a very lucky girl to have you. I know you will find her, and I'm not just saying it. All the best to you.

I got the job...

Its Tuesday night, I'm having a quiet night at home (I predict lots more quiet nights at home from now on). Hopefully there's something good on TV later. I haven't watched TV in years. I mean like properly sit down and watch it. I'm always running off to meet my friends somewhere, or stayed in my room on the internet. I hope to watch more TV, especially with my mom.

I went for my first job interview since I came back from Bali this afternoon. It was quite an adventure finding the place -  I didn't know the area very well and was depending on a self-drawn map to lead me there. I finally found the area, but was very in doubt because it was a village, with lovely village houses all around. And then there it was, right smack in the middle of nowhere. I heaved a sigh of relief that I found it and walked in.

The interview was pretty alright, and I wasn't feeling nervous as I usually do. I managed to convince them really well that I was the best candidate for the job, and was looking forward to discussing the pay. Then they told me the working hours, and suddenly I wasn't very interested in the pay anymore. The hours were horrible! I'm not a choosy person at all, but that was just downright breaking the labour law. And the pay wasn't good.

Of course I couldn't let them see my utter disappointment, so when the Managing director asked me when I would like to start, I mentioned a date. I tried to push it a bit later so that I could have time to think of a good reason to reject his offer of a job. And he said that would be fine, come in and sign the offer letter day, see you then. So just like that, I had the job. The job which breaks the labour law and which I planned to reject.

So here I am, still looking for a suitable job, and hoping I wouldn't have to be lying to the director when I tell him that "I'm really sorry, but I got a better offer". Because that's the most polite excuse I can think of right now..

p/s: I can't stop thinking of last Tuesday night when we had the big dinner at the Children's Home outside on the porch. And how everyone was just having such a great time, and then us riding on the motorbikes to Kuta for some drinks..all the laughter and silliness...and the ride home, and sneaking in feeling all scared.. Oh I miss all of you so much!!!!!

My Much love Monday

My first post for Much Love Monday - a sweet letter from my crazy roomie Shae when I was living at the Children's Home in Bali. She's the sweetest ever..she secretly put it in my luggage on the night I was leaving and only told me about it afterwards. I don't often receive letters, and this was the best souvenir I could have asked for from Bali..

So, I need to mention one thing that I love..I suppose that would have to be a letter from someone I love. No matter family, friends, or a guy =)

Hope all of you are enjoying your Monday so far...much love to you from me.

Kim xxx

My last day at the Children's Home

Today is my last day at the Children's Home. I've dreaded this day from 2 months ago. But surprisingly, very very surprisingly, I feel fine today. 2 days ago, I said to Shae(my lovely crazy roommate) that I felt really sad, and she said "Wait till you wake up on Wednesday morning"..and I was thinking the same thing, I thought I would feel awful today, but I don't.

Last night, Anand and Sabrina from Holland treated us all to a hugeee dinner, with grilled fish and ice cream after! We had our meal outside, and the weather was perfect. After dinner, we started snapping pictures, and it was really fun. Then some of us went into Kuta on the bikes, and it was just such a silly, totally unforgettable night.

This morning, I got up at 8am, hoping I wouldn't just start crying all of a sudden, but as I said, I felt fine. And after having a shower, I walked out and what do I see, Kristian and Kenzo trying to have a shower on their own. This is definitely the first time I have ever ever seen Kenzo wanting to have a shower on his own. I need to explain, this is the boy who usually starts bawling his eyes out the moment you try to take his shirt off for a shower. It was such a sight, I'm sure my jaw dropped open before I realised it wasn't my imagination and I helped them shower. And Kenzo didn't cry at all!!! He usually HATES to have his head wet, but he didn't cry, all he said was that he was scared, and I gently told him that its just water and there's nothing to be afraid of. Oh I wish I could stay a bit longer to really get him used to showering and show him that a shower is nothing to be scared of.

So my day started in such a surprisingly wonderful way that I think I can cope with it. Thank you Lord for this day.

Its getting close..

Some of the children have been asking me when am I going home to Malaysia. And when I say in about a week, they ask me "Why?? Why so soon? Why can't you stay longer?"...They have no idea how much it hurts when I have to say "I can't"..

I followed the children to Club Med last Tuesday which was the Indonesian Independence Day, because they were playing the angklung and kulintang there. I felt so so so happy to be able to go with them, and so proud when all the customers at the restaurant enjoyed the music so much. Everytime I hear them playing the instruments now, I feel so sad, because I wish I could continue to hear them play all the time..I felt so much like their older sister..

When I first came to the home as a volunteer, I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know how much I would be able to help. But the longer I stayed, the more I wanted to be a part of the children's daily lives, not just stay there as a guest. And I think I can honestly say that I got what I wanted. I feel so much a part of the home now, it doesn't feel like I am leaving them. I try to help in the kitchen, I play with the little ones, I help the older ones with homework, I stay up and chat and watch movies with them, I even call Sandra "Mama" now!  It almost feels like I am just going home to do what I need to do, and there is this strange guarantee in my mind that I will be back. I do not know why. And the worst part is that when the children ask me when I will come back again, I can't give them an answer..and I can't tell them about this 'guarantee' in case things don't work out that way. 

I sometimes look at Sandra, at how happy she is, and I offer up a silent prayer for her that the Lord will continue blessing her so that she may continue to give her love to the children and spread the blessing to all those lives. 

When I look at Tommy, his sweet and gentle smile which can brighten anyone's day..I wish I was part of their family. When I look at the younger boys, like Franz and Wayan and Aldi, I just wish I could stay and continue to help them with their homework, to continue being their 'kakak'..When I'm helping the older girls in the kitchen, preparing the vegetables, or cooking, I feel just like one of them. When I look at the little boys and girls like Kristian, Krisna, Kenzo, and Deborah, I wish I could give them the love and comfort of a mother which they deserve so much. Each time I hold them in my arms and hug them, I want to tell them how much I love them..

I wish I could tell them how I feel, but I don't want to make them even sadder..so I have to keep all this to myself..and my blog readers.. 

Love to all..pray for me that I won't break down and cry my eyes out this week!xxx

I feel your pain..

Sometimes we meet new people and unexpectedly find a good friend. If I could write a list of the good friends that I love and cherish with all my heart, I think it would be a very very long list. I believe that good friends not only share joyful moments, but also the heartaches. I love it when my friends trust me enough to let me into their lives and share their sadness with me. And I have learnt that sometimes there is really nothing you can say to comfort them. That they too don't require you to say any wise words of comfort. For there are times when just your presence next to them, reminding them that they are not going through the problem alone..is all they need.

Party for the children!

Last night all of us volunteers went to Carrefour in the morning to buy food and drinks for the party we were planning for the night. It went really really well!! We even had a 'dress code' for the children : Black/White.
We had the music on really loud, and we started dancing, and then there were games like Limbo and Musical Chairs..and there were prizes for the winners. It was just so wonderful to see the happy faces all around!

Deborah who is 8 months old is really growing so much day by day. Yesterday, as I was picking her up, she said "Ma Ma Ma"..and I was so shocked, because that was probably the first time she actually said something other than baby talk!! She is so sweet and adorable, we all love her so much that she's always being snatched from one person to another all the time.

I'm also getting really close to Sandra, who runs the children's home. Having been here for more than 2 months now, I am just more and more amazed at how well she runs the home. She doesn't limit the children with rules and punishments, and it is obvious that the children know and appreciate that a lot. They respect her so much, and it shows that you don't need to be feared to be respected. The more I witness how much difference the presence of true love for the children can make, the more I pray and hope that in the future, I would be able to be as good a mother as Sandra is to the children. That I wouldn't need to always be worried and shouting at my children for them to be disciplined.

I was speaking to one of the boys who has been in the children's home for about 6 or 7 years now, and the appreciation he has for the love shown to him and all the children was just so touching. He said that he has friends from other homes, and he himself has been to see some other children's homes, and he still thinks that Seeds of Hope is the best. He explained that he doesn't just say that because he lives here, but because he really means it. The other homes might have better facilities, or might be cleaner, but there is always a barrier between the people/family who run the homes and the children. They would have the children's quarters, and a separate place for the owners of the home, and the children wouldn't be allowed to go to their place. Whereas at Seeds of Hope, the children always come in after school in the afternoons and they wish Good Afternoon to Sandra(mama) and they sit down and watch TV with her!

I have never ever heard Sandra speaking loudly to them, or scolding them. Even when a few boys were being really naughty last week, the way that Sandra teaches them is so gentle, but SO effective! She doesn't shout at them, but she speaks kindly to them, and gets to the root of the problem rather than punish them without listening to their side of the story.

Its 3 pm now, I think I'll get back to the home soon and have a chat with Sandra if she is not taking an afternoon nap before getting ready for Youth meeting at the church in Denpasar tonight.

Till next time, love to all. =)

Kim

After a longggg hiatus..

FINALLY....after a bit more than 2 months in Bali, I manage to get into my Blogger account and update my blog!!!! I can't describe how much I've missed blogging!! There are just some things which I can't make myself say on my Facebook update status. Some are too personal, that I only want the people who are interested enough in my little boring life to look in my blog to know.

So, I think I'll just give a very condensed version of my life for the past 2 months living in the children's home in Bali.

I got to Seeds of Hope Children's Home on the 1st of June, and the first week was really emotional for me. I felt so lonely at times, even though I was surrounded by 60 children all the time! I was feeling homesick, and I really wished I could talk to some of my friends back home..But thankfully, after the 2nd week, I got so much closer to all the children and the volunteers that I didn't feel so lonely anymore. I also tried to help around in the kitchen, play with the children, and started following the children to Youth meetings in church and worship on Sundays.

It was quite difficult speaking Indonesian at first, even though it was pretty similar to Malay. The intonation and the words they use in everyday life is so different from Malay! At first I could hardly understand when some of the children spoke to me. But last week, I was in Ubud, and a man there didn't believe me when I said I was Malaysian, because he said I speak Indonesian very well, and I even sound like a Balinese!! I was like..REALLY??? But anyway, I was really flattered, because it honestly wasn't easy at the start to speak Indonesian.

Now, I feel so much at home at the children's home that I know it is going to be SOOOO hard leaving. I am definitely not looking forward to it. And it doesn't help that people keep putting these ideas in my head that I could move to Bali!! I think I've learnt from the past few months that I should never say never..and I'm not saying that I will never move to Bali, because goodness, I DO want to. Badly. But I know in my head that now is not the time. I still have some things to settle in Malaysia before I can even start thinking about such a huge step in my life. Its just that I feel so much like an older sister for the children, and I know I can help them in my own way if I lived here...

There are too many things to say that I really don't know what to write! Now that I've found the password to my own blog, I'm gonna try to update more often with some daily events that happen at the home. Because there is always always always something going on there.

So stay tuned, whatever readers of my blog are left. =)