Sunday, 10 May 2009

The pieces will NEVER fit anymore

I can't remember the number of times I've said to myself, "Ok, write this down like you used to, and you'll feel better". But everytime I sit down and think of writing down how I feel, I just feel this void within me, and I end up just 'swallowing' my thoughts and feelings that I should be pouring out to..who? Who can I tell my innermost feelings to without caring what that person's response is, without worrying that I might cry, without wondering if what I'm saying is making sense. I suppose that was why I found having a blog very comforting, and why I'm back to writing.

Basically, I've been feeling homesick. I've come to learn that the word "homesick" is the closest word I can find to describe what I'm feeling, but that it doesn't even come CLOSE to describing this feeling that I have ALL THE TIME.

Missing those times when I could meet up with friends and chat over a cup of iced blended tea till 2am, miss those dinners far away with my family, miss my brother's lame lame lame jokes and him, miss my mom and everything she has done for us, her time, how special she is, her food, hate this feeling that I get every single time I watch a 'family drama' where everyone is so happy together, or argue with each other and make up after, hate it that I need to keep stopping myself from crying when I watch these dramas. I miss home, the building itself, and the area, miss the shopping complexes especially when I see friend's pictures in Facebook, miss my friends!!!!! I hate this feeling of feeling neither here nor there, hate this feeling of wanting to be part of their lives and yet not wanting to be because I don't want to hurt them or myself if I don't continue staying in the country. Hate it that I don't dare to drop my aunties too many e-mails because it would just make them miss me more. Hate it that I try to be bad at keeping in touch because I don't want to feel sad or make my friends and family feel sad. Hate it that there might never ever ever be a chance for me to be together with my mom, dad, and brother all at the same time. Hate it that I might not be able to feel that sense of "home" that I get when I go back home and see the little flaws that makes Malaysia, Malaysia. I truly hate it that I don't know what my life would be like just 5 months from now!!! I don't like the feeling of not being able to plan or daydream about my future. Hate it that I envy old couples who have been together for 30 years and still hold hands and continuing steadfastly for the Lord. I just hope I would be like them in the future, but I don't know! Hate it that I will need to say goodbye to my friends here. I want to live here, but can't I have everything? Why can't I have my family, my friends from back home, and my friends here, all together where I want to be, rather than where I'm obliged to go to? Why do I have to say goodbye to all the people I care about???? Why?!!! It hurts more when I know that I am going to hurt them! It just doesn't make sense that someone would want to leave everything and everyone they ever had, to go to a place where they have absolutely nothing and noone.

Who can stand by me through all of this and assure me that no matter what, he/she will be with me when I pull through all this? When I survive all this pain. I just need something to hold on to. I NEED something to hold on to!!! I need a sense of somewhere, someone. Right now it just feels like I'm floating, waiting..waiting..I don't know what for.

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