Wednesday, 21 October 2009

Dedicated to my Ah Kou..i love you very much..always have and always will

On the 18th of October, Sunday, my beloved Aunty Audri("ah kou") passed away in University Hospital at around 6.30pm. The cause of death was unknown, and as our whole family decided not to conduct a post mortem in respect of my aunt's wishes not to be operated on anymore, we will never really know why she left us so suddenly.

The wake was tonight. I felt it was really good. The atmosphere was exactly how it should be - happy, because my aunty is not suffering anymore, but at the same time we were free to shed our tears. The only hope that we have now is that my aunty is in heaven, where there are no tears and suffering, where she is now able to do all the things she wanted to do for so long but was unable to.

Not many people know exactly how close I was to my aunty. And to be honest, I felt hurt that some just seemed to sweep it off like it shouldn't affect me so much.

I grew up with my aunty. She is in my earliest childhood memories. She was there since I learned how to walk, how to talk, how to love. She taught me to be a good girl. All I can think about now are the times that we spent together when I was a kid. All those times....I will try to remember them till the day I leave this world too.

My Aunty Audri is much less fortunate than many of us. I always knew that she was different, but only tonight did I realise just how strong she was..and I regret not praising her for that before she left us. My aunty had rheumatoid arthritis when she was about 17 years of age.

As described, rheumatoid arthritis is a very serious condition which is painful and disabling. Only 1% of the world has this condition. While most of us probably look back to when we were 17 and smile at those happy times, my aunty went through such pain and suffering that we probably can't imagine even if we tried to. I am not certain, but I am quite sure that since then, all her fingers became crooked and her legs could never be straightened. Since she was 17, she was unable to walk properly, but she never gave up.

In 1985, my ah kou was hospitalised for 6 months to undergo a surgery which left her with 1 good leg(left) and 1 leg which was only a bone structure, her right leg. So when I was born in 1988, the aunty who I met and who I grew to love so much, was the lady with crooked fingers and bent legs. She was the lady who loved to cook, who hobbled instead of walked, and who loved to sing. I never once expected her to be anything else, because that was the aunty I was introduced to when I was born. I wish SO MUCH now that I could see her hobble around again, or like her latter years, push herself around on her wheelchair.

When we went out together, my aunty sometimes got funny glances from people around, but she never seemed affected, how she could be so strong and confident of herself is a wonder to me. People might think that she was disabled, that she was weird even. But never have I thought that my aunty was disabled. Because the "ah kou" I knew was the person with crooked fingers and legs, and that was what made her my "ah kou", she was perfect to me. A normal human being in my eyes. But now I think I might have been unfair to her for thinking like that. Maybe I could have done more for her to make her enjoy life more.

To be continued...

Tuesday, 13 October 2009

Busy week!!

Got a haircut today.
I've had too little sleep for the past 2 nights, and I've been out almost everyday after work.
Gonna be out every single night this week. Beats all past records!
It's Korean BBQ tomorrow with colleagues, and company Vacation Day in Sunway Lagoon on Sunday. Looking forward to these.. =)

And, I just realised that IT is next week. I have a really really weird feeling..never thought I would feel like this. I actually feel nervous about it! Like..what?? Haha..

Monday, 12 October 2009

I made a new close friend today. I have a weird way of classifying someone as my 'close friend'. It starts when they tell me the first uncomfortable,imperfect, personal thing about themselves. And today, I found out something quite personal about someone. And I feel really grateful that he trusted me with it.

I really treasure moments like this when I have a heart-to-heart talk with someone..when I slowly but surely learn that I'm not alone in all this. That I'm not the only one who faces difficulties at home but yet has to put on a brave and strong front when I'm outside. I'm not the only person who seems to be so happy, always smiling and laughing, but yet inside, there's always something bothering me, a sort of sadness that I can't seem to find the cure to. Is there someone out there who can take away this sadness, this insecurity? I think a big part of me has given up hope that there is someone like that out there.

Sometimes I think I'm meant to be alone..if I can't find someone who meets the criteria, would it be better to settle for something less, or would it be better to stay alone and continue daydreaming about someone out there who's meant for me? Well, one step at a time...

Saturday, 3 October 2009

what you need is not what you want

Most of the time in our lives, what you want, is not what you need. This we have been told many times since we were young and there always seemed to be stuff that we wanted, i.e. sweets, chocolates, toys, video games, and the list goes on and on, and then upgrades to handphones, laptops, bla bla bla later on in life.

But sometimes, we come to a point in life where things that we decide on, don't just affect ourselves. This is when the situation is reversed for the first time, and what you need is not what you want. And suddenly you are stuck, not knowing what to do now, because you are faced with a decision which affects so many aspects in your life, but you know you have to do it.

Never have I been faced with such a big decision to make, one with such great impact. I have no one to help me make this decision. And now I feel like I have no one to depend on again. Again, I am feeling how I felt when I first started this blog. I thought that I could depend on you, but inside...I know that its not going to work out that way. Somehow, I know that we won't have that happy ending that I hoped for.

Sometimes the one we love is also not the one we should be with. But would you rather be with someone who you love and ignore your own principles, or would you stick to your principles which are guaranteed to be right and let go of the one you love?

I need to make a huge decision soon. But with that decision, there also comes another decision which has been there for an unbelievably long time, but which I have chosen to ignore so far. And now everyday, every waking minute, these 2 subjects are on my mind..begging me to take the step..shadowing my mind...making the world look different all of a sudden. Everything looks gray now....Unless I make these 2 decisions. But if I make the decisions, is there a guarantee that the colours in my world will return? What if it remains gray... or it just loses all its meaning...

What I need to do right now is not what I want to do....

Just to share a song that I am listening to at the moment: