Monday, 21 December 2009
So many things I expect of myself, so many ways to improve, to learn... I really feel like there isn't enough time in a day to do it all.
Year 2010 is dawning upon us soon enough, there're gonna be so many people making New Year resolutions, and we all know that a HIGH percentage of these resolutions will NOT fulfilled by the end of the year. So somewhere along the way, I gave up making New Year resolutions, and decided to just make resolutions. No time limit, no due date. One thing about new year resolutions is that when the year ends, you don't feel like fulfilling it anymore, there's no urge anymore, because its 'past the due date'. And you wouldn't want to make the SAME new year resolution again, because a) that just shows you didn't have enough of a backbone to fulfill it by the end of the last year, and b) that's just silly. lol.
So now, I write lists. I have all sorts of lists. I have a list of things I want to do, languages I want to learn, places I want to go to, food I want to learn how to cook. And as I said, no time limit. But I tell myself to keep moving down the list, not to give up, and to try to do them as soon as possible, when I get my chance to do those things. And this has really worked for me. I've done so many things this year, some of which I never expected to be able to do, because of these lists I made.
To all who plan to make some changes in your lives, all the best to you. But don't let the NEW YEAR determine when you should start, or the end of the year to determine when to stop. Change and self-improvement should be a continuous process, and the only one who should decide your time limit is yourself.
=) A Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all of you.
Sunday, 20 December 2009
I need another story
Something to get off my chest
My life gets kind of boring
Need something that i can confess
Tell me what you want to hear
Something that'll light those ears
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away
Don't need another perfect line
Don't care if critics never jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away
Sunday, 13 December 2009
Life has been going on quite smoothly, I went to Malacca for a weekend a few weeks back - been hoping for this trip since I watched the Little Nyonya drama when I was back in UK..haha. Got my new car last Saturday =) Its a Midnight Blue Viva..love it.
Somehow I feel like I have grown so much during the past few months, since I've been back in Malaysia. Maybe its work, probably is. I've experienced some new things, met new people, and am starting to see the world in a different light. It sounds so simple, the last sentence I just typed. But there is so much to it. I was once told that as you grow older, the black's and white's of life slowly blend together and you'll see the world as gray. It's not that I didn't believe what the person told me, but I was just waiting till the day I started seeing the black's and white's blend together. And now I have. Not everything is as simple and uncomplicated as I first saw it. In fact NOTHING is that simple. One of the biggest lessons I have learnt recently is not to take 1st impressions too seriously.
Not to focus too much on the surface, dig deeper, and take your time making your choice as to what you should think about someone, something, or a situation.
Wednesday, 21 October 2009
The wake was tonight. I felt it was really good. The atmosphere was exactly how it should be - happy, because my aunty is not suffering anymore, but at the same time we were free to shed our tears. The only hope that we have now is that my aunty is in heaven, where there are no tears and suffering, where she is now able to do all the things she wanted to do for so long but was unable to.
Not many people know exactly how close I was to my aunty. And to be honest, I felt hurt that some just seemed to sweep it off like it shouldn't affect me so much.
I grew up with my aunty. She is in my earliest childhood memories. She was there since I learned how to walk, how to talk, how to love. She taught me to be a good girl. All I can think about now are the times that we spent together when I was a kid. All those times....I will try to remember them till the day I leave this world too.
My Aunty Audri is much less fortunate than many of us. I always knew that she was different, but only tonight did I realise just how strong she was..and I regret not praising her for that before she left us. My aunty had rheumatoid arthritis when she was about 17 years of age. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rheumatoid_arthritis
As described, rheumatoid arthritis is a very serious condition which is painful and disabling. Only 1% of the world has this condition. While most of us probably look back to when we were 17 and smile at those happy times, my aunty went through such pain and suffering that we probably can't imagine even if we tried to. I am not certain, but I am quite sure that since then, all her fingers became crooked and her legs could never be straightened. Since she was 17, she was unable to walk properly, but she never gave up.
In 1985, my ah kou was hospitalised for 6 months to undergo a surgery which left her with 1 good leg(left) and 1 leg which was only a bone structure, her right leg. So when I was born in 1988, the aunty who I met and who I grew to love so much, was the lady with crooked fingers and bent legs. She was the lady who loved to cook, who hobbled instead of walked, and who loved to sing. I never once expected her to be anything else, because that was the aunty I was introduced to when I was born. I wish SO MUCH now that I could see her hobble around again, or like her latter years, push herself around on her wheelchair.
When we went out together, my aunty sometimes got funny glances from people around, but she never seemed affected, how she could be so strong and confident of herself is a wonder to me. People might think that she was disabled, that she was weird even. But never have I thought that my aunty was disabled. Because the "ah kou" I knew was the person with crooked fingers and legs, and that was what made her my "ah kou", she was perfect to me. A normal human being in my eyes. But now I think I might have been unfair to her for thinking like that. Maybe I could have done more for her to make her enjoy life more.
To be continued...
Tuesday, 13 October 2009
I've had too little sleep for the past 2 nights, and I've been out almost everyday after work.
Gonna be out every single night this week. Beats all past records!
It's Korean BBQ tomorrow with colleagues, and company Vacation Day in Sunway Lagoon on Sunday. Looking forward to these.. =)
And, I just realised that IT is next week. I have a really really weird feeling..never thought I would feel like this. I actually feel nervous about it! Like..what?? Haha..
Monday, 12 October 2009
I really treasure moments like this when I have a heart-to-heart talk with someone..when I slowly but surely learn that I'm not alone in all this. That I'm not the only one who faces difficulties at home but yet has to put on a brave and strong front when I'm outside. I'm not the only person who seems to be so happy, always smiling and laughing, but yet inside, there's always something bothering me, a sort of sadness that I can't seem to find the cure to. Is there someone out there who can take away this sadness, this insecurity? I think a big part of me has given up hope that there is someone like that out there.
Sometimes I think I'm meant to be alone..if I can't find someone who meets the criteria, would it be better to settle for something less, or would it be better to stay alone and continue daydreaming about someone out there who's meant for me? Well, one step at a time...
Saturday, 3 October 2009
But sometimes, we come to a point in life where things that we decide on, don't just affect ourselves. This is when the situation is reversed for the first time, and what you need is not what you want. And suddenly you are stuck, not knowing what to do now, because you are faced with a decision which affects so many aspects in your life, but you know you have to do it.
Never have I been faced with such a big decision to make, one with such great impact. I have no one to help me make this decision. And now I feel like I have no one to depend on again. Again, I am feeling how I felt when I first started this blog. I thought that I could depend on you, but inside...I know that its not going to work out that way. Somehow, I know that we won't have that happy ending that I hoped for.
Sometimes the one we love is also not the one we should be with. But would you rather be with someone who you love and ignore your own principles, or would you stick to your principles which are guaranteed to be right and let go of the one you love?
I need to make a huge decision soon. But with that decision, there also comes another decision which has been there for an unbelievably long time, but which I have chosen to ignore so far. And now everyday, every waking minute, these 2 subjects are on my mind..begging me to take the step..shadowing my mind...making the world look different all of a sudden. Everything looks gray now....Unless I make these 2 decisions. But if I make the decisions, is there a guarantee that the colours in my world will return? What if it remains gray... or it just loses all its meaning...
What I need to do right now is not what I want to do....
Just to share a song that I am listening to at the moment:
Tuesday, 8 September 2009
Wednesday, 26 August 2009
When someone close to me vents their anger on me, I don't feel angry as much as I feel hurt. Some things are better left unsaid. If you feel hurt, do you need to tell the person? If you need to tell the person before the person apologizes, then isn't the apology insincere? And if the person apologizes, does that mean he/she will change? And if he/she does change, is the friendship/relationship still the same after the incident?
And to someone else, am I never good enough for you? I try my best to earn your respect and your praise...but I meet you everyday with the fear of being scolded for something I didn't do perfectly enough. I can't give up trying because you'll scold me..but if I continue, it doesn't pay off either. You want to know something? I can't wait to get out.
Went to The Curve with Qiguang and Karen. Was nice to see them again, watched Up in 3D..it was great! Then went to Ikea and finally bought tealights, and then on to Padini Concept Store.
Monday, 24 August 2009
I've been making an effort to try things that I've never tried before. I think I learned that from Ross in Friends, there was this episode where he made a New Year resolution to try one new thing each day. Well I don't think I have the time and chance to try one new thing each day, so I've been trying to tell myself to take up challenges or explore new things at every opportunity I get. So yesterday when Steph asked me to go ice-skating today, I just said yes immediately even though I knew very well that I can't skate. Haha. And I forced myself to learn to balance and to learn how to skate properly. Even though I haven't fully learnt it, I kinda know how it's done now, and I think I can go practise on my own next time.
And also, I drove out to Shih Wei's place just now(night time)..I haven't been driving for over a year..and last year even when I came back, I hardly touched the car because I was scared. So when Shih Wei said that if I am scared, I shouldn't drive out, I told myself ..if I don't overcome this fear now, I'm never going to overcome it. And I'll be just sitting in other people's cars all the time..which I feel bad for! Something really funny happened though, I stopped the car at the guardhouse near his place to fill in the visitor's book, and after finishing and the guard removed the barrier for me, I shifted to Reverse gear instead of Drive! Lucky I didn't step on the accelerator yet. The guard was really shocked when he saw that, and I could just feel his fear when I started moving the car..like he didn't want to stand too near...I probably gave him a big big fright! Thank goodness I didn't shift to reverse gear when I stopped at traffic lights, otherwise I would have surely hit the car behind!!
I feel like going shopping tomorrow..not buying stuff, but just trying on stuff..hehe
Oh and I found out that I will have a uniform when I go to work.. @.@ so sad..I look horrible in any uniform,regardless of shape,size, or colour. So how? =(
Sunday, 23 August 2009
Wednesday, 19 August 2009
I had Tau Foo Fa with Pearls..it was quite nice, not a normal combination..but I enjoyed it. And because the place was starting to get really crowded, we decided to be good and give up our seats to people who needed them more. So we then proceeded to Starbucks a few doors away, and KS treated me to Green Tea Frappucino, which I've missed SOOO Much because they don't have that in UK.
I was watching The Little Nyonya today and looking at all the kuih that they were making. I listened to the explanations, that a Peranakan girl who knew how to make nice kuih was more likely to find a better husband than those who don't. And also, that the nicer the kuih was, the happier their families would be. So I decided to try making 'ang ku kueh'...and after further inquiry, Qig said that his mom has the ang ku kueh mould which she is not using anymore..would I like it? YES! Want to try making ASAP, in time for next Saturday ;)
For those not sure what an 'ang ku kueh' is...its sticky on the outside, and is filled with green bean paste. One of the nicest traditional kuihs that I like =) And according to a blogger, http://xiuyu.zeblog.com/415107-croyances-et-superstitions-3/ , it symbolises longevity and prosperity.
Interview tomorrow...Part of me is looking forward to getting it over with, but part of me is nervous. I don't know why. I guess I'm still always afraid of failure. This is the me which I try to hide, and to overcome. But I think old habits die hard..and I'll need more experience to teach me how to have more confidence in myself.
Tuesday, 18 August 2009
Really happy that I have my own room..I know my mom misses me because I'm not so close by anymore, but I'm still really near her..feel bad, but I think this is the right decision.
Went out with my SAM friends yesterday, it was really nice to catch up with them..but feel so kesian for them, they're all so busy and stressed up...it just really reminds me of what I felt myself just before I graduated, and its horrible to see them going through the same thing and not being able to advice them on how to get through it except that the end of the tunnel WILL come and that everything will just work out fine after that. We'll all survive university life!!TRUST ME!
One more thing...I really really miss my friends in UK. I keep thinking about them all the time..wondering what they're doing at the moment..wishing that I could chat with them online..but because of the time difference, they're either working or sleeping =(
Why can't I be greedy and force them to come back? I feel so selfish..but I really miss them!!
Tuesday, 11 August 2009
Thankfully, Junwei came online when I was feeling most down(as always - thanks Junwei..really love u lots), and I finally managed to talk about how I felt. And found out what was wrong. The reason was that all this while, I was happy to go home because I thought I would finally be able to see my loved ones..but ONLY NOW did I realise that I have loved ones here too!! Loved ones who I really don't wish to leave behind. I've made lots of new friends here, all the while still focusing on my friends back home. But without realising it, without making a conscious effort at all, I've become close to them..and I can honestly say that some of them are now closer to me and know me better than those who I've been so excited to meet again back home. That's why I've been feeling so sad.
Friday, 7 August 2009
Going to Wales tomorrow, wonder if we will be able to have a campfire tomorrow night when we arrive. And Saturday will be so fun, SS and KF are gonna wear their bikinis ;) !! And I'm gonna be wearing my swimsuit from H&M which somehow creates a sort of optical illusion that I AM SLIM! Hahahahaha happiness of happiness.
I'm back to Pet Society in Facebook and its so fun! I've been fishing a lot in there, and also in this other game called Fish a Fish. Feel like a little child, cos I get so excited everytime I catch a new fish haha.
Need a haircut, my hair seems to be growing so quickly nowadays..especially the fringe..argh!
Oh and, I'm already watching the final episode of Gossip Girl..it's so nice..and it makes me wonder whether there are really girls as nice as Serena, who are beautiful, rich, and at the same time, CARING! Wish there were more girls like her in real life. And how nice it would be if I had legs as long and neverending as hers =)
Wednesday, 5 August 2009
I . NEED. TO. START. EXERCISING!
I know I've been fat ever since I can remember, but I can't even bear looking at myself in pictures now!!! Really feeling very depressed and hopeless about this.
I shall start updating my weight loss/increase(hope not) on here daily, to motivate myself.
Thursday, 30 July 2009
And...I've got news! I've just booked my flight tickets back home to Malaysia today...for the 15th of August. So I shall be arriving in KLIA at 9.30pm on the 16th of August.
Haven't updated for so longg.....I really hope to fill in on the big gap since the last update!
Loads of ups and downs...truly!
Now its time for bed, and tomorrow I shall hopefully receive the carton boxes that I need to fill up with the stuff I'm gonna ship back to Msia..
Oh btw, I finally found a long black cardigan that I like today in town..and bought a really really sweet top from New Look. Saw some other tops that I really really like in Topshop, but I have resisted today. Hopefully I'll forget about them by Friday when I go to town again, or else I'll really be broke!!!! Topshop is mean..why can't they lower their prices =(
Saturday, 23 May 2009
These were words spoken by a former U.S. Air Force pilot who was captured and tortured by the North Vietnamese in 1966.
I was reading this article about how Christians viewed torture, and it tells us that a majority of Christians actually are not against torture. Most of them think that depending on the situation, torture is acceptable. Example: terrorist in country trying to bomb and kill many innocent souls, it is ok to torture them to 'dig' information from them.
I wouldn't say too much about what I think about this, because I need to study the Bible much much more before I have the confidence to take my own stand on some things. But anyway, back to the phrase by the AF pilot. This is one of those simple phrases which you read and it just hits you how true and meaningful it is.
Sometimes when we face difficulties, we have lotsss of pity for ourselves (I know I do). But I always forget that the Lord has suffered so so so much more than us, so much that it is immeasurable. Have I ever even tried to fathom the pain and sadness that He had inside when people rejected Him, when they spit on His face, when they tortured Him until His face was marred more than any man's?
I've always been very conscious of how people view me. And I do not like it when I know someone has something against me when I did not provoke him/her. But the Lord, He never hurt anyone at all. And the world was against Him. Even now, look at the number of people who sneer when they hear His name. He was the Son of God, the King of Kings - just stop for a moment and think about the immensity of this. I know this is a very childish way of imagining this, but imagine a king, with all his expensive clothes and good good food, and servants and everything he wants, he could have.
And now consider His willingness to come down to earth and suffer those sneers, torture, and then to die for us.
So now when you are 'rejected' by anyone, or if someone makes fun of your beliefs and stands, just remember - the Lord has suffered so much more for you. Now don't give up on your faith and stand tall for Him.
Monday, 18 May 2009
Wednesday, 13 May 2009
|Priscilla Ahn - Dream|
|Found at bee mp3 search engine|
This time, I'm not focusing so much on the lyrics of this song, rather I'm thinking about the movie which I got the song from, Bride Wars. The whole movie really portrays my view of my friendship with my best friend. But somehow, I feel that she might not view our friendship the same way. She's my best friend. But I don't think I am her best friend. Sometimes I really miss her. It does hurt when I see her pictures, and how she's happy with all her new friends, and it hurts that I realise that we are growing further and further apart from each other. We used to be so close, but not anymore. I just truly wish that we could go back to those times, but I'm being naive and silly. Maybe its a good thing anyway, since I might not be living in Malaysia in the future. Being so close and then leaving again is just too hurtful to her.
Sunday, 10 May 2009
Basically, I've been feeling homesick. I've come to learn that the word "homesick" is the closest word I can find to describe what I'm feeling, but that it doesn't even come CLOSE to describing this feeling that I have ALL THE TIME.
Missing those times when I could meet up with friends and chat over a cup of iced blended tea till 2am, miss those dinners far away with my family, miss my brother's lame lame lame jokes and him, miss my mom and everything she has done for us, her time, how special she is, her food, hate this feeling that I get every single time I watch a 'family drama' where everyone is so happy together, or argue with each other and make up after, hate it that I need to keep stopping myself from crying when I watch these dramas. I miss home, the building itself, and the area, miss the shopping complexes especially when I see friend's pictures in Facebook, miss my friends!!!!! I hate this feeling of feeling neither here nor there, hate this feeling of wanting to be part of their lives and yet not wanting to be because I don't want to hurt them or myself if I don't continue staying in the country. Hate it that I don't dare to drop my aunties too many e-mails because it would just make them miss me more. Hate it that I try to be bad at keeping in touch because I don't want to feel sad or make my friends and family feel sad. Hate it that there might never ever ever be a chance for me to be together with my mom, dad, and brother all at the same time. Hate it that I might not be able to feel that sense of "home" that I get when I go back home and see the little flaws that makes Malaysia, Malaysia. I truly hate it that I don't know what my life would be like just 5 months from now!!! I don't like the feeling of not being able to plan or daydream about my future. Hate it that I envy old couples who have been together for 30 years and still hold hands and continuing steadfastly for the Lord. I just hope I would be like them in the future, but I don't know! Hate it that I will need to say goodbye to my friends here. I want to live here, but can't I have everything? Why can't I have my family, my friends from back home, and my friends here, all together where I want to be, rather than where I'm obliged to go to? Why do I have to say goodbye to all the people I care about???? Why?!!! It hurts more when I know that I am going to hurt them! It just doesn't make sense that someone would want to leave everything and everyone they ever had, to go to a place where they have absolutely nothing and noone.
Who can stand by me through all of this and assure me that no matter what, he/she will be with me when I pull through all this? When I survive all this pain. I just need something to hold on to. I NEED something to hold on to!!! I need a sense of belonging...to somewhere, someone. Right now it just feels like I'm floating, waiting..waiting..I don't know what for.