Saturday, 24 April 2010

Pure nervousness..

Note: *You don't need to read this post. Its just another wall of words, which seems to be what I'm good at - boring people to death. Unless you're really bored of course, then by all means go ahead. Please don't say I didn't warn you, and don't complain about my walls of words*

I have a secret right now..
But it isn't really a secret - I just need to wait for the right time to tell people about it.
I'm just waiting for the confirmations, before I say anything.
But I really just need to pour out how I feel at the moment.

I'm really really nervous. I feel like I'm on the edge of my seat while watching a horror movie.
This has got to be the bravest thing i have EVER done in my life.

I don't know if any of you have ever had the feeling where you suddenly want to do something. You get an ambition. No, ambition isn't just for kids. Its not just that time when you were seven and you decided you wanted to be a doctor. Or a vet. Lawyer. Teacher. Engineer.

Every time we suddenly feel like doing something, we build up our little ambitions. We think "I'd like to do that some day". How often does that 'some day' actually come by? Did you ever actually do anything about your little ambitions? Did you even want it that much in the first place? If you did want it that much, is there something stopping you from making a move to get closer to your ambition?

I suddenly got an ambition 2 weeks ago. I have to admit, its not really a new ambition. I've been wanting to do this since quite a few years ago. But I was in university, and it would have been next to impossible to fulfill this little ambition of mine. So as life went on, I forgot about it. I carried on with life as normal after university, comfortable with the routine that was slowly building up along with my career. And my ambition never again occurred to me until 2 weeks ago. So when this tiny feeling came again, I was shocked that I ever even forgot about it! It meant so much to me before, and I just conveniently chucked the whole idea away for years!

It just dawned upon me that NOW, I could do it. I have what I need to be able to do it. But Doubt came in, along with Logic and Responsibility. My faith in myself started wavering. At the same time, I kept piecing together all that I needed to fulfill my dream. And the puzzle completed itself. There is nothing stopping me, except fear - fear of venturing into unknown areas, and fear of being judged by others because it is SO unconventional.

Now is my chance. Now is the time where I don't have that much responsibility laden upon me yet, so that I can "Just do it" when I "want to do it". I'm finally taking the step. I'm scared. I think I've swept quite a fair bit of 'dreams' under the carpet just because it was either just too inconvenient, or so out of the norm that I think its silly, or needed more than what I have to be able do it. This time is nothing different. It IS still very very very out of the norm. I still think that its silly, but I want to do it. I want to do it so badly, so I'll do it. I'm scared, but something tells me to Be brave. I know that if I don't do it now, I'll regret for the rest of my life. I'm not trying to exaggerate here. I have to do it NOW.

Once I tell you what it is, you'll probably start thinking I'm out of my mind. Highly probable. And you'll want to ask me why it means so much to me to do it right now. But don't. Because I can't answer you. I've asked myself this. I can't answer myself either. Gut feeling, maybe? I don't know...

No comments:

Post a Comment