Monday, 23 August 2010

Its getting close..

Some of the children have been asking me when am I going home to Malaysia. And when I say in about a week, they ask me "Why?? Why so soon? Why can't you stay longer?"...They have no idea how much it hurts when I have to say "I can't"..

I followed the children to Club Med last Tuesday which was the Indonesian Independence Day, because they were playing the angklung and kulintang there. I felt so so so happy to be able to go with them, and so proud when all the customers at the restaurant enjoyed the music so much. Everytime I hear them playing the instruments now, I feel so sad, because I wish I could continue to hear them play all the time..I felt so much like their older sister..

When I first came to the home as a volunteer, I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know how much I would be able to help. But the longer I stayed, the more I wanted to be a part of the children's daily lives, not just stay there as a guest. And I think I can honestly say that I got what I wanted. I feel so much a part of the home now, it doesn't feel like I am leaving them. I try to help in the kitchen, I play with the little ones, I help the older ones with homework, I stay up and chat and watch movies with them, I even call Sandra "Mama" now!  It almost feels like I am just going home to do what I need to do, and there is this strange guarantee in my mind that I will be back. I do not know why. And the worst part is that when the children ask me when I will come back again, I can't give them an answer..and I can't tell them about this 'guarantee' in case things don't work out that way. 

I sometimes look at Sandra, at how happy she is, and I offer up a silent prayer for her that the Lord will continue blessing her so that she may continue to give her love to the children and spread the blessing to all those lives. 
When I look at Tommy, his sweet and gentle smile which can brighten anyone's day..I wish I was part of their family. When I look at the younger boys, like Franz and Wayan and Aldi, I just wish I could stay and continue to help them with their homework, to continue being their 'kakak'..When I'm helping the older girls in the kitchen, preparing the vegetables, or cooking, I feel just like one of them. When I look at the little boys and girls like Kristian, Krisna, Kenzo, and Deborah, I wish I could give them the love and comfort of a mother which they deserve so much. Each time I hold them in my arms and hug them, I want to tell them how much I love them..

I wish I could tell them how I feel, but I don't want to make them even I have to keep all this to myself..and my blog readers.. 

Love to all..pray for me that I won't break down and cry my eyes out this week!xxx

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