Friday, 17 September 2010

I recently came out of a long relationship, and one thing that really hit me was that I didn't cry very much over it. In fact I cried much more in past relationship which had so much less depth and were much shorter..some weren't even relationships! And I only just realised and fully understood why while I was out for a run. I can finally justify to myself, which is so much more important than justifying to others, that I'm not a total cold-blooded person. That it wasn't wrong for me not to break down because of the end of a really long and meaningful relationship.

Not many people knew about the end of this relationship, and some did not even know about it. And after a whole month, I started telling friends and family. Many of them were shocked and all they wanted to know was why. Why did it end? For some of them, I tried to explain in detail..but for some I didn't have the strength to. Because I was still afraid of being judged by them. It is so sad, but in our world today, the moment you tell someone that you broke up, they jump to the conclusion that there is a third party involved. Especially if you're not crying your eyes out while you relate your part of the story to them. So when asked why, I sometimes decided to keep my silence until I figured out myself why I was not so sad about it.

And half an hour ago, I fully understood why. It is because I have grown up so much since before the start of this relationship until now. I still remember clearly the last time I had my heart broken, I was swearing to my brother that if I don't find a good guy, I won't get into a relationship. I won't even get married when the time comes if I don't find a suitable guy. And I managed to keep that promise to myself. I didn't get into a relationship until I found that good guy. He was so good to me, more than any other guy has ever been. We were together for 2 years and 9 months, and even until the end, on (almost) every 21st of the month, we would wish each other Happy Anniversary. And I do realise that I might not ever in my whole life be able to find another guy who would treat me as good as he did.

So why didn't I cry? Because I did manage to find a good guy, but in the process also learned that a good guy does not necessarily mean Happily Ever After. There are so many other factors, like personality, religion, mindset, family issues. These are all ingredients that you need to have a healthy loving relationship. Like I said, I realise that I might not find a guy who is as good to me as he was. But I might be able to find one who is more compatible with me in terms of personality, religion, mindset and everything else.

Before I decided to end the relationship, I was afraid that I would be making the biggest mistake of my life. I tried to tell myself to compromise. Everywhere, and almost every single day, we hear this phrase: No one is perfect. And I know no one is perfect! That wasn't what I was expecting of him. And I am not expecting any guy who I like to be perfect. But the most important is that all the imperfections in that person and myself  would add up to a perfect relationship. And I knew that the imperfections in this guy and me, don't add up to that. Some people would say, compromise. But I'm young, and he's young. I still have a chance to find someone who would suit me more, and the same for him. If I'm feeling things like this now in our relationship, what would it be like if we really did end up together in marriage? I just know that it won't work out.

So that is why I'm not crying everyday. I still miss him every now and then when I allow myself to dwell upon the past. When I go anywhere, the memories of us there together haunt me until sometimes I just want to go home. So many things remind me of him. And there are things which I just can't allow myself to think of yet for fear of crying. But at the end of each day, I get stronger. I understand myself more, and why I did what I did. I don't regret my decision, even if it hurts.

To you: I know no matter how many times I apologise, you might not be able to fully forgive me. But I thank you for every single thing that you have done for me. I never forgot them, and I might not ever forget them. All I hope for you from the bottom of my heart is that you have a successful future and that you will find a girl who treats you better than I did and who is more suitable for you. She will be a very lucky girl to have you. I know you will find her, and I'm not just saying it. All the best to you.

1 comment:

  1. i think this is an extremely insightful post.

    you can't make everyone happy, so i think the best alternative is to make yourself happy.

    much power to you for gathering the courage to take charge of your life!