Live Like You Were Dying

I was looking for a song by Kris Allen which I had heard on the radio many times called Live Like We're Dying. Being me, I couldn't remember the lyrics, and searched for Live Like You're Dying instead. And that turned out to be one of the nicest 'accidents' that I've had in a long time.

Because instead, I found this song by Tim McGraw called Live Like You Were Dying, which has such meaningful lyrics that I just had to share it with somebody. I'd never heard this song prior to this mistake, so it was really a plus that the song was nice and the lyrics were good too. =)

Hope you enjoy the lyrics as much as I did:

He said I was in my early forties, with a lot of life before me
And one moment came that stopped me on a dime
I spent most of the next days, looking at the x-rays
Talking bout' the options and talking bout' sweet times.
I asked him when it sank in, that this might really be the real end
How's it hit 'cha when you get that kind of news?
Man what did ya do?
He said

Chorus
I went skydiving
I went rocky mountain climbing
I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin'
And he said some day I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dyin'


He said I was finally the husband, that most the time I wasn't
And I became a friend, a friend would like to have
And all of a sudden goin' fishin, wasn't such an imposition
And I went three times that year I lost my dad
Well I finally read the good book, and I took a good long hard look
At what I'd do if I could do it all again
And then


Like tomorrow was the end
And ya got eternity to think about what to do with it
What should you do with it
What can I do with it
What would I do with it

from lyrics007.com

Appreciate the life you have, treasure the ones you love, do what you have always wanted to do.

Flash back to the past

Went to The Curve with ex-college mates today, it was really nice to meet up with them, but I felt that something was missing.. was it the rest of them who were absent? Or was it that we've all matured in our own ways, developing our own little worlds, that being apart for so long has built walls between us that need time and effort to be torn down? Of course, there were still the classic jokes among us, which reminded me that some things NEVER change =)

Then dragged Sai Mun out to McD to teman me eat dinner. He actually counted out my calorie intake for the McChicken value meal that I had, which made me totally lose whatever trace of appetite that I had. I left half the fries untouched! This diet is working! Hahaha! 7kg weight loss here I come!!!

I guess the highlight of the night would have to be the fact that I messaged an ex to wish him happy belated birthday. For 4 years, there was a cold silence between us, which none of us tried to break (except a few months ago when I tried messaging him but was ignored(?)). At one point, we became enemies. But after tonight, after 4 years, now we're back to being friends. And it was nice to reminisce the past for a moment. To remember how much I loved him, the delirious times we had. I chose not to bring back the memories of what happened after to mind. But just to remember that it was the right choice, and that we can still be friends no matter what happened in the past between us.

Never turn back

With all the technology that we have today, its so easy to access other people's lives, know almost everything thats going on in their lives. Doesn't matter if you're in Asia, Australia, UK, USA, or anywhere else in the world. Distance does not mean as much to us as it did just 50 years ago.

I see photos of friends in other countries, other places, and its so easy to be envious and start doubting if I made the right choice to come home. Wasn't it the same when I was studying in UK and looking at pictures of friends back home?

I have a choice to make. A huge decision. Will I lose you? Should I? I can't imagine life without you. But I can't cope with going away again so soon. I need to feel less. Make a decision without feeling. And not turn back.

Resolutions

Its Christmas this Friday, can hardly believe how quickly it came..

So many things I expect of myself, so many ways to improve, to learn... I really feel like there isn't enough time in a day to do it all.

Year 2010 is dawning upon us soon enough, there're gonna be so many people making New Year resolutions, and we all know that a HIGH percentage of these resolutions will NOT fulfilled by the end of the year. So somewhere along the way, I gave up making New Year resolutions, and decided to just make resolutions. No time limit, no due date. One thing about new year resolutions is that when the year ends, you don't feel like fulfilling it anymore, there's no urge anymore, because its 'past the due date'. And you wouldn't want to make the SAME new year resolution again, because a) that just shows you didn't have enough of a backbone to fulfill it by the end of the last year, and b) that's just silly. lol.

So now, I write lists. I have all sorts of lists. I have a list of things I want to do, languages I want to learn, places I want to go to, food I want to learn how to cook. And as I said, no time limit. But I tell myself to keep moving down the list, not to give up, and to try to do them as soon as possible, when I get my chance to do those things. And this has really worked for me. I've done so many things this year, some of which I never expected to be able to do, because of these lists I made.

To all who plan to make some changes in your lives, all the best to you. But don't let the NEW YEAR determine when you should start, or the end of the year to determine when to stop. Change and self-improvement should be a continuous process, and the only one who should decide your time limit is yourself.

=) A Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all of you.

Love,
kim.

Secrets

********************************************************************************
I need another story
Something to get off my chest
My life gets kind of boring
Need something that i can confess


Tell me what you want to hear
Something that'll light those ears
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away
This time
Don't need another perfect line
Don't care if critics never jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

********************************************************************************

Growing up

It's been almost 2 months since I last blogged. And almost 2 months since my aunt's passing. The honest truth is that I am still grieving..Once in awhile it hits me that she's really gone, and I still struggle at times to convince myself that she IS gone. That I can't just drive over to her place and talk to her anymore. Tonight I went over to her house to visit my other aunt and my uncle, and no matter how well I can cover up the sadness when I'm around others, I can never get over the emptiness I feel when I go over there. The whole place reminds me of her. The hall, the chairs, the kitchen, her room, even the toilet! I can't share this sadness with anyone but my small aunt. We depend on each other for comfort, and pull each other up with our conversations.

Life has been going on quite smoothly, I went to Malacca for a weekend a few weeks back - been hoping for this trip since I watched the Little Nyonya drama when I was back in UK..haha. Got my new car last Saturday =) Its a Midnight Blue Viva..love it.

Somehow I feel like I have grown so much during the past few months, since I've been back in Malaysia. Maybe its work, probably is. I've experienced some new things, met new people, and am starting to see the world in a different light. It sounds so simple, the last sentence I just typed. But there is so much to it. I was once told that as you grow older, the black's and white's of life slowly blend together and you'll see the world as gray. It's not that I didn't believe what the person told me, but I was just waiting till the day I started seeing the black's and white's blend together. And now I have. Not everything is as simple and uncomplicated as I first saw it. In fact NOTHING is that simple. One of the biggest lessons I have learnt recently is not to take 1st impressions too seriously.
Not to focus too much on the surface, dig deeper, and take your time making your choice as to what you should think about someone, something, or a situation.

Dedicated to my Ah Kou..i love you very much..always have and always will

On the 18th of October, Sunday, my beloved Aunty Audri("ah kou") passed away in University Hospital at around 6.30pm. The cause of death was unknown, and as our whole family decided not to conduct a post mortem in respect of my aunt's wishes not to be operated on anymore, we will never really know why she left us so suddenly.

The wake was tonight. I felt it was really good. The atmosphere was exactly how it should be - happy, because my aunty is not suffering anymore, but at the same time we were free to shed our tears. The only hope that we have now is that my aunty is in heaven, where there are no tears and suffering, where she is now able to do all the things she wanted to do for so long but was unable to.

Not many people know exactly how close I was to my aunty. And to be honest, I felt hurt that some just seemed to sweep it off like it shouldn't affect me so much.

I grew up with my aunty. She is in my earliest childhood memories. She was there since I learned how to walk, how to talk, how to love. She taught me to be a good girl. All I can think about now are the times that we spent together when I was a kid. All those times....I will try to remember them till the day I leave this world too.

My Aunty Audri is much less fortunate than many of us. I always knew that she was different, but only tonight did I realise just how strong she was..and I regret not praising her for that before she left us. My aunty had rheumatoid arthritis when she was about 17 years of age. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rheumatoid_arthritis

As described, rheumatoid arthritis is a very serious condition which is painful and disabling. Only 1% of the world has this condition. While most of us probably look back to when we were 17 and smile at those happy times, my aunty went through such pain and suffering that we probably can't imagine even if we tried to. I am not certain, but I am quite sure that since then, all her fingers became crooked and her legs could never be straightened. Since she was 17, she was unable to walk properly, but she never gave up.

In 1985, my ah kou was hospitalised for 6 months to undergo a surgery which left her with 1 good leg(left) and 1 leg which was only a bone structure, her right leg. So when I was born in 1988, the aunty who I met and who I grew to love so much, was the lady with crooked fingers and bent legs. She was the lady who loved to cook, who hobbled instead of walked, and who loved to sing. I never once expected her to be anything else, because that was the aunty I was introduced to when I was born. I wish SO MUCH now that I could see her hobble around again, or like her latter years, push herself around on her wheelchair.

When we went out together, my aunty sometimes got funny glances from people around, but she never seemed affected, how she could be so strong and confident of herself is a wonder to me. People might think that she was disabled, that she was weird even. But never have I thought that my aunty was disabled. Because the "ah kou" I knew was the person with crooked fingers and legs, and that was what made her my "ah kou", she was perfect to me. A normal human being in my eyes. But now I think I might have been unfair to her for thinking like that. Maybe I could have done more for her to make her enjoy life more.

To be continued...

Busy week!!

Got a haircut today.
T.I.R.E.D.
I've had too little sleep for the past 2 nights, and I've been out almost everyday after work.
Gonna be out every single night this week. Beats all past records!
It's Korean BBQ tomorrow with colleagues, and company Vacation Day in Sunway Lagoon on Sunday. Looking forward to these.. =)

And, I just realised that IT is next week. I have a really really weird feeling..never thought I would feel like this. I actually feel nervous about it! Like..what?? Haha..

I made a new close friend today. I have a weird way of classifying someone as my 'close friend'. It starts when they tell me the first uncomfortable,imperfect, personal thing about themselves. And today, I found out something quite personal about someone. And I feel really grateful that he trusted me with it.

I really treasure moments like this when I have a heart-to-heart talk with someone..when I slowly but surely learn that I'm not alone in all this. That I'm not the only one who faces difficulties at home but yet has to put on a brave and strong front when I'm outside. I'm not the only person who seems to be so happy, always smiling and laughing, but yet inside, there's always something bothering me, a sort of sadness that I can't seem to find the cure to. Is there someone out there who can take away this sadness, this insecurity? I think a big part of me has given up hope that there is someone like that out there.

Sometimes I think I'm meant to be alone..if I can't find someone who meets the criteria, would it be better to settle for something less, or would it be better to stay alone and continue daydreaming about someone out there who's meant for me? Well, one step at a time...

what you need is not what you want

Most of the time in our lives, what you want, is not what you need. This we have been told many times since we were young and there always seemed to be stuff that we wanted, i.e. sweets, chocolates, toys, video games, and the list goes on and on, and then upgrades to handphones, laptops, bla bla bla later on in life.

But sometimes, we come to a point in life where things that we decide on, don't just affect ourselves. This is when the situation is reversed for the first time, and what you need is not what you want. And suddenly you are stuck, not knowing what to do now, because you are faced with a decision which affects so many aspects in your life, but you know you have to do it.

Never have I been faced with such a big decision to make, one with such great impact. I have no one to help me make this decision. And now I feel like I have no one to depend on again. Again, I am feeling how I felt when I first started this blog. I thought that I could depend on you, but inside...I know that its not going to work out that way. Somehow, I know that we won't have that happy ending that I hoped for.

Sometimes the one we love is also not the one we should be with. But would you rather be with someone who you love and ignore your own principles, or would you stick to your principles which are guaranteed to be right and let go of the one you love?

I need to make a huge decision soon. But with that decision, there also comes another decision which has been there for an unbelievably long time, but which I have chosen to ignore so far. And now everyday, every waking minute, these 2 subjects are on my mind..begging me to take the step..shadowing my mind...making the world look different all of a sudden. Everything looks gray now....Unless I make these 2 decisions. But if I make the decisions, is there a guarantee that the colours in my world will return? What if it remains gray... or it just loses all its meaning...


What I need to do right now is not what I want to do....

Just to share a song that I am listening to at the moment:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_GgfAcCTAM